My baby hated me – and that’s OK

My baby hated me.

Every parent has this moment at some point. The times when you say in your head, ‘Yep. My kid/s definitely hate me.’ It’s a right of passage. Your children say they hate you, congratulations, you’re doing it right! Unfortunately, then you get some of the not so lucky ones. Parents who are the farthest possible emotion from joking, when they say they think their baby hates them.

I’m sorry to say…but maybe they do.

My youngest daughter (now 13 months old) absolutely despised me from just about day one. I’m not talking hated when I wasn’t holding her, or left the room, or when I took the boobs away. I’m talking downright wanted nothing to do with me. For the first six weeks of her life she basically said, ‘I’m hungry, gimme boob. OK, now kick rocks, Mom’. She hated me. That’s just the way it was.

Now, the well meaning people, or disbelievers may think that there must have been some underlying issue as to why she was so upset. No. Just no. She was not colicky. She has no health issues. She did not have reflux problems and she had a tried and true food source that made her cute and chubby. Please, don’t worry. There is no help needed. She loves me now, just a downright Mama’s girl.

But it’s hard. Here we are, bringing this tiny person home, fresh out from the inside, and she wants nothing to do with the person that just housed her for 38 weeks to the day. At first, I’ll admit, I figured I was hitting all those post birth feels that are completely uncalled for and irrational. I rationalized to myself that I was just utterly exhausted. Told myself it was all in my head, that of course this little girl loves me, I’m her Mommy.

The truth is though, that’s not how it is for all of us, and it certainly can be different for each child you have. Like I said before, it took my girl and I about 6 weeks to really get into our groove as a Mommy-daughter duo. They were the longest weeks of my life. They were filled with tears (from both sides), trying every trick under the sun, cursing (yes I said it, parents swear.) and acceptance that maybe this baby and I just wouldn’t have the same bond that my oldest and I did.

After all of that hell, I bring peace of mind to other parents. Your child may really seem like they hate you right now, but one day you will laugh about it. One day you will tell her of your rough start with one another, and you will tell her that nothing made you happier than when the two of you finally had an understanding.

So Mama, when you’re holding that screaming baby in your arms for the millionth time, wondering how much more you can take…remember, it’s not forever. You will get through it. You will laugh months and years after because that baby that hates you right now will undoubtedly worship the ground you walk on. Just keep on keeping on Mama, you got this!

All the love.

The five guys I met, dating as a single Mom

Dating as a single parent. Specifically, as a single mother in my case. Sounds like a very daunting, maybe even potentially intimidating thing. My daughter was young enough still, I felt it was time to start at least meeting people and seeing how normal…or not..the dating pool was these days. Turned out, it’s a maddeningly hysterical mix of both. This I would imagine, is probably the same kind of thing you would hear from singles with no children as well.

That being said, it’s a whole new ball game when you’ve decided to jump back into the dating pool as a parent. It’s not just your wants and needs anymore. There is a tiny persons schedule to think of, a babysitter to find, and god knows you could be too exhausted to even want to put a decent shirt on and brush your hair. If you can get through all of that though, the dating scene can provide some fantastic laughs, and some great stories to tell a friend while in your sweats, with your hair thrown up and a glass of your favorite liquid courage.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of, ‘call me in 5 minutes with an emergency’, worthy dates. I lived to tell the tales, and they continue to provide some laughs and jokes to this day. From blind dates who looked like a totally different person, to the general creepiness of some men, and the ones who just could not fathom why I was not hitting up a club at 1:00 in the morning with them. These poor souls really couldn’t wrap their heads around why it would turn into a ‘thanks, but no thanks’, type of situation.

WITH THAT, I give you my personally compiled list of the type of person you might end up dating or seeing once you enter the dating game as a single mom.

THE ‘WE BOTH KNOW WHAT THIS IS’ GUY

Okay, this one is probably pretty self explanatory. At whatever point it is that you are putting yourself out there again, it’s going to feel weird. For a lot of us, myself included, dating is a pretty foreign thing by now. Have the rules changed? What’s considered normal? And of course, the big question. How in the hell am I supposed to date when I have a child at home that keeps me so busy already?

That last question is exactly where the, ‘We both know what this is’, guy comes in to play! It will more than likely happen closer to the beginning of your rebirth into dating. You will both keep to small talk. Yeah, the weather is great right now. (Aka: What if we did it outside today?) You will ask each other about their jobs. (This is both to be polite and feign just enough interest to keep the interest.) Meeting up with them will more than likely be either last minute plans, at someones house, or in a social setting with alcohol.

Ladies, I’ll flat out say it. This guys is basically what is called a palette cleanser. And it really is a good thing to have this! The palette cleanser is a great way to feel like you’ve gotten out there again, without actually dating someone full on. He will compliment you because he wants something. You will accept it, because you want something. It will fizzle out, probably fairly quickly, and that’s okay too. Just enjoy it, then laugh about it later.

Take home: The ‘We both know what this is guy’ is a great starter, so don’t get your panties in a twist over it. Get in, get out, and move on!

THE FELLOW SINGLE PARENT

This guy will be good for you in ways. The conversation will be mainly about the difficulties surrounding single parenthood, your past relationship and how involved that person is in the situation, or the funny things that your kid/s have done or said. It will provide a desperately needed reminder that you are not the only one going through this type of unknown.

You will take comfort in the fact that you guys always have something to talk about because you are both pretty much the exact same person. Each of you will totally understand that no babysitter, long week of teething, and tummy aches 100% trump meeting up to go see a movie or get some dinner. It will feel natural in the sense that because you each understand the others life in a general way, it plays to the familiarity part of your logic.

This guy will go one of two ways. This relationship will either work really well, will blossom into more and could very well be a happily ever after sort of fairy tale. On the other hand, trying to coordinate schedules in order to see each other could provide enough of a resistance that things just kind of, dwindle. That, and you are both busy with your child/ren and all that that entails. It’s very easy to forget about trying to coordinate schedules and that be that.

Take home: The fellow single parent will be a great way to confirm that you are not the only one doing this. He will provide a sense of reassurance and will put away any forms of guilt that you may feel about leaving your child/ren for your social life.

THE REPEATER 

First thing I’m gonna say about this guy is, RUN AWAY. This guy will be almost an exact clone to the person you are no longer with. He will have a similar personality, he will present and carry himself in a lot of the same ways as your previous significant other. You will be attracted to this guy for obvious reasons. He’s a reminder of something that you used to have, and there’s nothing more comfortable than the known.

Don’t get me wrong now, things with this guy will start out well. You will have fun, you will feel like hey, this has some potential, I’m enjoying myself, etc. Then, you’ll see it. Whether it’s a conversation, an action, the way a situation is dealt with. Whatever it is, it will hit you one day, and you’re going to say to yourself, ‘Holy shit, I am so dumb’. You may give it another chance, or you may run at the first inkling you get. That’s more of a personal choice. The chances of this one lasting are slim to none, unless you are still really hung up on your ex.

After you get away from this guy your confidence in dating again may take a bit of a hit. You might think that you’re just doomed to constantly go back to the same kind of person and maybe you should just settle. Person dependent on how long it will take for you to come to your senses again. You will though, because you’re a bad ass and you deserve to be happy.

Take home: The repeater is pretty much inevitable. As creatures of habit, you’re bound to fall back on someone that reminds you of something you had. Don’t stick around though. If it’s the same relationship, it’s going to be the same issues.

THE OVER ACHIEVER

Honestly, this guy is probably one of my least favorites. Personally, I’ve never been attracted to someone who constantly thinks the sun shines out of my butt. He will constantly be complimenting you, doting on you, wanting to be a part of your life (including your child’s), early on into you seeing each other. The guy will literally be be around all the time and it may get to the point of you questioning his clinger status.

This guy will be good for the confidence. He will be a huge ego boost, and even if you don’t necessarily believe everything he’s throwing at you, who doesn’t like being doted on every now and again, right? The over achiever would be especially great if you happened to have just finished dealing with the above mentioned, the repeater. He will help to put away the shake of confidence by building that ego up again. However, in the end, that is absolutely exhausting. He holds you on a pedestal and no one is perfect. You already have a child or children and really don’t have the time or the energy to put into the type of insecurities that this guy is dealing with.

Take home: The over achiever is a huge boost to the ego which can be nice, but the high standards he will unintentionally hold you to is really not worth it. You have enough to think about, and probably don’t need to add anything else to your already busy head!

THE WINNER

Save the best for last. Whether you were a single mom, or currently are a single mom, this is the guy that beats out all the rest and does it with style! He could be the cliche of ‘it will happen when you least expect it’, or it will be a very organic advancement of a relationship.

You will have similar interests, differing opinions, laugh together, make memories. He will compliment you as an individual. He will be understanding, supportive, caring and make you laugh. You will want to bring this guy into more aspects of your life. You will be nervous about introducing them to your child/ren. He will make you wonder why you ever doubted it by how amazingly it goes. You will feel at peace, as if you have successfully welded the two parts of your world together. It will not be perfect, but through those rose colored glasses of love, you will be grateful and happy to have them at least once every day.

Take home: If you’ve been lucky enough to find the winner, fight for it. Fight for them. If you are lucky enough to be on your journey to find the winner, same advice. Fight for it, do not get discouraged.

There we have it folks. My top 5 kinds of guys you’ll date as a single Mom. Now, this list was compiled solely from my personal experiences. Every person I met, dated, had a relationship with, falls under one of these categories!

I hope that reading this has brought some laughs, some categorizing of your own, and a little inspiration for your own journey. Lastly, there’s no way I’m the only woman to have thought of categorizing my dating history….or maybe I like organization too much….am I alone?? Sound off below with your own categories, I’d love to see what else is out there!

All the love.

“Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping again?”

My eldest daughter asked me this question one day, after my boyfriend quietly said to me that he needed to go lay down for a while. As I nodded my head and gave him a silent “I love you”, I could see the wonderment and concern in my little girls eyes. After all, the clock was barely touching 11:00 and the four of us had been up and started our day before he emerged from the bedroom. It was no longer than a couple of minutes before my sweet lady came up to me and asked, “Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping again?” I’ll be honest, this was one of the most crushing questions I’ve ever heard.

A question that, in hindsight, I never thought about having to answer – because why would I? We do not anticipate having to explain such a complex concept with our children. The idea that their Daddy needs to nap and always seems so drained, is because there is a cruel and blood thirsty monster that eats at him constantly, is not something that would be simply…comprehended.

At this point I felt like I had three potential options, none of which were very ideal.

1. ‘Daddy is just really tired from working such a long time.’

In an ideal situation, this would be an accepted response, however, my eldest is six years old and seems to act as though she is more like 12. You can probably see now, why this option would be deemed inadequate by this far too intuitive lady.

2.  ‘Daddy needs to sleep all the time because there is a monster in his head that likes to play games – and that monster likes to play dirty.’

I clearly do not have the intention of terrifying my child trying to explain something that is so out of her realm of understanding. Therefore, option two, YOU’RE OUT!

3.  ‘Well, I know it might be hard to understand right now, but Daddy’s brain works a little differently than ours do and the way his brain works is very tiring sometimes.’

I chose the third option on my list in order to explain this gut wrenching topic. My hopes of giving enough of an explanation to perhaps save a more in depth conversation for a later date was successful. For the time being, her curiosity on the matter has been satisfied and I managed to protect her from something she is very much not ready to understand.

The need to protect our children from any kind of pain, whether it be of the invisible nature or not, is instinctual. I felt as though I needed to protect my daughter from the harsh realities of the mental illness that is part of our every day life. I will unrelentingly do just that. It is part of the role I play in my family. Protector. After all, there are distinct traits that a person must possess in order to have this be a part of life…without being the one actually suffering with it. (That’s another post that I will be writing. That is, what it’s really like being the significant other of a person suffering with mental illness.)

I gave little C enough of an explanation that she was satisfied and left the subject alone after my answer, but it brought a whole new thought process to light. How was I supposed to answer these questions when she got older and even more aware? Would I be able to use the same logic with our other two children when they became old enough to start asking questions? Would I be able to instill the open mindedness in our children that I so fiercely want? Or would they be jaded by their experiences in childhood that they distant themselves from it in all walks of their future lives?

For now it seems that it’s all come to a stand still, which I happily say that at the moment, I’m perfectly fine with. It will be one of those ‘wait and see’ moments but hey, that’s just part of being a parent.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Our most beautiful adventures are the ones that we never saw coming.