“Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping again?”

My eldest daughter asked me this question one day, after my boyfriend quietly said to me that he needed to go lay down for a while. As I nodded my head and gave him a silent “I love you”, I could see the wonderment and concern in my little girls eyes. After all, the clock was barely touching 11:00 and the four of us had been up and started our day before he emerged from the bedroom. It was no longer than a couple of minutes before my sweet lady came up to me and asked, “Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping again?” I’ll be honest, this was one of the most crushing questions I’ve ever heard.

A question that, in hindsight, I never thought about having to answer – because why would I? We do not anticipate having to explain such a complex concept with our children. The idea that their Daddy needs to nap and always seems so drained, is because there is a cruel and blood thirsty monster that eats at him constantly, is not something that would be simply…comprehended.

At this point I felt like I had three potential options, none of which were very ideal.

1. ‘Daddy is just really tired from working such a long time.’

In an ideal situation, this would be an accepted response, however, my eldest is six years old and seems to act as though she is more like 12. You can probably see now, why this option would be deemed inadequate by this far too intuitive lady.

2.  ‘Daddy needs to sleep all the time because there is a monster in his head that likes to play games – and that monster likes to play dirty.’

I clearly do not have the intention of terrifying my child trying to explain something that is so out of her realm of understanding. Therefore, option two, YOU’RE OUT!

3.  ‘Well, I know it might be hard to understand right now, but Daddy’s brain works a little differently than ours do and the way his brain works is very tiring sometimes.’

I chose the third option on my list in order to explain this gut wrenching topic. My hopes of giving enough of an explanation to perhaps save a more in depth conversation for a later date was successful. For the time being, her curiosity on the matter has been satisfied and I managed to protect her from something she is very much not ready to understand.

The need to protect our children from any kind of pain, whether it be of the invisible nature or not, is instinctual. I felt as though I needed to protect my daughter from the harsh realities of the mental illness that is part of our every day life. I will unrelentingly do just that. It is part of the role I play in my family. Protector. After all, there are distinct traits that a person must possess in order to have this be a part of life…without being the one actually suffering with it. (That’s another post that I will be writing. That is, what it’s really like being the significant other of a person suffering with mental illness.)

I gave little C enough of an explanation that she was satisfied and left the subject alone after my answer, but it brought a whole new thought process to light. How was I supposed to answer these questions when she got older and even more aware? Would I be able to use the same logic with our other two children when they became old enough to start asking questions? Would I be able to instill the open mindedness in our children that I so fiercely want? Or would they be jaded by their experiences in childhood that they distant themselves from it in all walks of their future lives?

For now it seems that it’s all come to a stand still, which I happily say that at the moment, I’m perfectly fine with. It will be one of those ‘wait and see’ moments but hey, that’s just part of being a parent.